You've Got The Best Buns In Town
by Memory Untainted
Summary: Title has NOTHING to do with the story. I just used it for lack of a better one. There is some death to this, but I actually find it quite humorous. A little tale about Jack and Will's journey through the Caribbean. (set after the movie) See who they meet
1. chapter 1

Disclaimer: This is my first crack at a Pirates of the Caribbean story. I have a friend helping me with ideas on this, so I don't own the plot exclusively. I own no one from this story. The doxie Lauren isn't mine either. She owns herself (and if she had her way, she'd own Orlando Bloom but she doesn't). I wish I owned Johnny Depp for if I did, we would be married despite the big age gap and we would be pirates, robbing yachts. This story is funny to me, but then again I am sick and twisted so you readers may not find it as funny as I do. Well, without further ado, onto my first attempt at a POTC story! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
You've Got The Best Buns In Town by: Untainted Memory and her partner in crime, Holliwould.  
  
Chapter 1- Nighttime Fight  
  
We find our hero, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow walking away from a bar, swaying from side to side, with young Will Turner tagging along behind. Jack was rambling on and on about one adventure or another, leaving Will to daydream. Normally, he would be listening to the captain in rapt attention, but tonight, something just seemed off. Maybe it was the red-lined full moon shining above them. Or maybe it was the slow, heavy footsteps that were following them from the time that they left the bar.  
  
Without warning to Will, Jack turned quickly and pulled his sword. He pointed it towards the figure in the darkness. Will did likewise, though neither of them could see the person who had clearly been following them.  
  
"Stand and fight like a man," Captain Jack Sparrow commanded. "Unless you are a coward."  
  
"I can assure ye, Jack," a voice said from the darkness, "that I am no coward."  
  
"Barbosa!!" Jack hissed.  
  
"We thought you were dead," Will said incrediously.  
  
"Not so dead as ye thought." Barbosa stepped out of the darkness and Jack and Will tensed.  
  
Barbosa was indeed alive. He looked just like he had in life, but they both distinctly remember him dying. In each hand, he held a huge green apple. On his head was perched a huge hat with a gigantic purple feather. He looked every bit the part of a terrifying captain.  
  
"I will have me revenge," shouted Barbosa. With that much said, he threw an apple at Will, hitting the young pirate in the head and knocking him unconscious. A huge sword fight between Captain Jack Sparrow and Barbosa ensewed with no winner in sight. Each new that this was a fight to the death, and each knew that the Pearl was on the line. This only made Jack fight harder, pushing Barbosa out onto a pier. He held his sword point to Barbosa's throat.  
  
"This time, I'll make sure you stay dead," he said. And with that much said, he forced Barbosa backwards off the pier. When he didn't hear the expected splash, Jack looked over the pier. There, he saw Barbosa. The evil man had fallen into a ship of apples. He had died on impact. The crew of said ship looked up at Jack in question. Jack, ever the gentleman, tipped his hat and returned to Will who was now waking up.  
  
"I just missed it, didn't I," Will asked.  
  
"Aye, you did." Jack helped him to his feet. Will scooped down and grabbed the apple that had beaned him. Before Jack could react, Will hit him in the forehead with the apple. Jack looked up at his forehead then at Will.  
  
"Do you want to destroy my remaining brain cells, lad," Jack asked.  
  
Will laughed as they walked off to the Pearl, intent on sailing back to another bar in another port, maybe to pillage after a few more rounds of beer. But as soon as they set foot on the ship, they were faced, yet again, with old enemies.  
  
"Hello, Jack," one of them said. Jack heaved a heavy sigh.  
  
"Not you people again."  
  
~E N D O F C H A P T E R 1~ 


	2. chapter 2

Disclaimer: I still do not own anyone from the movie Pirates Of The Caribbean. I also do not own the doxie Lauren. She owns herself. This story plot isn't entirely mine. My pal, Holliwould, is a great help to me in just about everything I do. Thanks a mil, Holliwould. You're a great pal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 2-  
  
As if two times wasn't enough, Captain Jack Sparrow found himself once again stranded on his island. This was enough to drive Jack crazy. If Jack wasn't as brilliant as he was, he would have gone stock-raving mad the first time. Yes, I know it is said that Jack is already crazy, but no, they are mistaken. Genius can easily be confused with insanity.  
  
"So this is your island," Will said as he looked around. Jack grunted in response. "It's exactly as I pictured it." Again Jack grunted. "Are you going to talk?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But you just did."  
  
Jack didn't even dignify that with an answer. Just as the last time when he was stranded on this island with Miss Swann, he began to take those same big steps until he found the secret trap door. It was only after he had opened it and climbed down into the hole that he remembered that Elizabeth had burned everything on their last little adventure.  
  
"DAMN THAT WOMAN TO HELL!!!" That was the last thing that Jack said all day.  
  
Until the sun fell from the sky, Jack sat under a coconut tree, looking up into it's branches with a glare that could have set the leaves on fire. Will finally approached him.  
  
"What are you doing," Will asked.  
  
"Wait and you shall see," Jack said. So Will waited. And waited. And waited. And waited some more. So he gave up and looked down at Jack.  
  
"What's going to hap--" Will was cut off in mid-sentence by a falling coconut to the head. (A/N: The coconut is named Holliwould)  
  
"There, that's the ticket." Jack cracked the coconut in two and handed one to Will, who was still reeling from the hit on the head. (A/N: I'm sorry to all of you Orli fans who are really hating me for hitting your boytoy on the head so much. I have nothing against Orlando, don't get me wrong. Forgive me!)  
  
Just as Jack raised the coconut to his lips, it was snatched away. Disgruntled, he looked up. And there was the monkey, Jack. He drank up the coconut milk then smiled cheekily at the pirate captain. It was bad enough that the "dead" crew of Barbosa had stranded him and Will on this island, but they had left them with the most annoying creature that they had ever encountered.  
  
Jack started a fire and the three of them sat around, looking hungrily at everything in sight. After the coconut had been eaten, there was still nothing left on the island eat. So, there they were, staring at one another, all hungry.  
  
"There has to be some sort of food to eat on this island," Will finally said. "Anything!"  
  
"Well, it is perfectly clear what we have to do," Jack said, nodding knowingly.  
  
"What?" Both Will and the monkey cocked their heads to the side in question.  
  
"We're going to have to eat one of us. The question is, which one will go?"  
  
Jack looked between the two of them. Of course Jack couldn't go. He was captain, afterall, and too smart to be eaten. Yes, he would come in handy in the future. Couldn't get rid of him just to satisfy their stomachs. Will was a good swordsman, clever, and strong. He was a good pirate, and brave, even if that bravery could be confused for stupidity. Then there was the monkey. He could be useful later on, if they were ever in need of a pick-pocket. But then again, his loyalties laid with Barbosa. Which one to go. . . The monkey pointed to Will. Jack grinned evilly at Will, sizing him up, and he chuckled so purely evil that Will was chilled to the bone. Will gulped loudly. Jack wouldn't really eat him, he assured himself. No, Jack wouldn't eat him. . .Would he?  
  
5 M I N U T E S L A T E R  
  
Sitting alone at a fire, roasting a good-sized slab of meat on a spit, was our favorite captain. He was mummbling to himself. How to cook this meat. . .There were lots of choices, all sounded well to his screaming stomach. Decisions, decisions.  
  
But where was our beloved Will? Our handsome Will, who would be oh-so- wonderful in Jack's tummy. Could that be him on that slab? Believe me, readers, it is a possibility. I can be that cruel, even to teen heartthrobs like him.  
  
Will strolled back to Jack's side with an armful of chopped wood and a sword. He dumped the wood onto the fire and sat.  
  
"Looks good, Jack."  
  
"Thank you, William. Never had monkey meat, but I'm sure it's wonderful."  
  
"Is it about done?"  
  
"Go ahead and try it." Jack ripped a piece of the meat off and handed it to Will. Will sunk his teeth in, chewed, and finally swallowed.  
  
"Delicious."  
  
"Bon apetite." They ate like wolves that night, even though what they were eating was a dirty little monkey.  
  
E N D O F C H A P T E R 2 


	3. chapter 3

Disclaimer: Still don't own anyone from Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl. Sadly. . . I would so totally love to hang around with Johnny Depp. He's so handsome as Captain Jack Sparrow. I do not own the Doxie Lauren or any of the other doxies--with the exception of Migonette whom I am only using to run the Jack-gets-slapped-in-the-face joke--that I may decided to put in here. They belong to themselves. On with chapter three of this non-Mary Sue (despite how it may look, I'm trying to not make this a mary sue. It's kind of mock- mary sue) ficcy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 3--  
  
Finally off of that island by some act of God, Jack and Will were in a bar on one of Jack's favorite ports. The captain looked to be drunk, but with Jack Sparrow, who can tell when he is or isn't drunk? Will was having a hard time being comfortable. It felt like someone was watching them so closely. He looked around the bar. No one caught his attention. But as it is in the nature of that feeling, it just wouldn't go away. Who in the world was watching them? Again, he scanned the bar. It was this time that he saw them. Barbosa's crew. . .  
  
"Jack," Will said urgently, shaking Jack's shoulder. "Jack! It's the crew!!"  
  
"My crew? What's my crew doing here?" He turned around curiously. Right away, he saw the crew, but it wasn't the one that he expected. He muttered a curse under his breath. The whore in his lap was soon seated in a chair and Jack was half way to the exit when Will realized that he was gone.  
  
The crew was waiting for Jack outside of the bar. They stood, weapons raised, ready for anything the witty captain might try.  
  
"Jack Sparrow, it is your fault that we all are dead," the leader-guy said. "And now, we shall have our revenge."  
  
"I think not," Will said. He drew his sword and charged foward. Jack was right behind him. Yet another battle started, and Will and the brave captain came out on top. Imagine that. Luck was just on their side lately.  
  
"Jack Sparrow!!" Jack turned around at the sound of his name, and recieved not one but two sharp slaps to the face.  
  
"OW!!!!"  
  
"You deserved that," a little dark-haired woman said, her hands on her hips and glaring up at him.  
  
"Aye, I did, Marlena, but I can explain everything, I swear."  
  
"Sure," Marlena said disbelievingly.  
  
"You are scum, Sparrow," the other woman said, this one with light brown hair.  
  
"Never, in a million years, could you explain what you did to us and get yourself off of the hook." Marlena was in a mood similar to that of a wet setting hen. As a wise man once said, 'Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorned.' *  
  
Will watched as the two women and Jack bickered. Captain Jack Sparrow may have the gift of a silver tongue to talk himself out of any situation on the high seas or get himself out of jail, but when it came to talking the women down, he just wasn't as gifted as he acted.  
  
"Fine, fine!" the Captain yelled in frustration. "I'll take the both of you on me ship! But if anything--ANYTHING--happens to either one of you or me ship OR me crew, then the both of you are responsible. Got it?"  
  
"Got it," both of the young doxies squealed happily. "BUT!"  
  
"But what," Jack asked suspiciously.  
  
"But," said Marlena, "you must agree to let us bring our friend along. She's like a sister to us. We can't just leave her alone here wtih these kind of men for company. Please, Jack? I mean, Cap'n Jack Sparrow?" Marlena fluttered her long black eyelashes at Jack, her eyes pleading with him.  
  
Jack caved, of course. Within no time, the Captain and Will were leading the two doxies to the small boat that they had required from a drunken fisherman.  
  
"I thought you said that you had a crew," Marlena said suspiciously.  
  
"And I thought you said that you had a ship," Migonette(the light haired doxie) said.  
  
"I do," assured Jack. "But at the moment, they're. . .momentarily displaced. Don't worry, ladies, we shall find them. Now, where is this 'sister' of which we have heard so much about."  
  
"Right here, Mon Captain," said a soft, feminine voice behind him.  
  
Leaning on a sign, was a young female with chocolate hair. She smiled cheekily at Jack, then at Will. On the young blacksmith, her eyes froze. The emotion clearly written all over her face was one well reconizable. She was totally, completely, undeinably, head-over-heels in love with Will. Marlena and Migonette rolled their eyes.  
  
"Hello, Lauren," the two doxies said in unison. "This is Captain Jack Sparrow, and that is WIll Turner."  
  
"Welcome aboard, ladies," Jack said sadly. Everyone knew that it was bad luck to have women aboard. Now he had three to deal with, not to mention Anna Maria when the crew was found. Jack and Will still had no clue to their whereabouts. But they would find them soon. Even if they had to go to the ends of the Earth. They were pirates, and even pirates had some idea of honor amongst themselves.  
  
At the present time, Lauren was clinging to Will's arm, Marlena was in a good-natured argument with Jack, and Migonette was leaning over the side of the ship, looking down at the water. Already, they were wearing thin on Jack's nerves. Yet, the Captain couldn't get up the nerve to tell them that they had to go. Maybe they were rubbing off on him. . .  
  
E N D O F C H A P T E R 3  
  
* - I read that somewhere, and I'm not sure who wrote it, but I DID NOT WRITE IT! I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR IT WHATSOEVER! Don't sue, please. 


	4. chapter 4

Disclaimer: It is with all great saddness that I report that I still do not own anyone from this story. *sigh* Well, we ALL can't have Johnny Depp, but we can dream. I am anxiously awaiting the release of Pirates Of The Caribbean, and at the same time, trying to get some money. I wish the rest of you POTC fans better luck than I am having. So, until the time that the movie comes out, I honestly hope that maybe this chapter can live up to the greatness of the movie. (I also do not own the doxies Lauren or Marlena.) On with the chapter! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 4--  
  
"AND REALLY BAD EGGS!!"  
  
As much as Jack loved that song, he could have cursed himself for teaching it to those girls. They had been singing it for a whole week straight. It would have been fine if they didn't have to scream it at the top of their lungs. The good captain was just about ready to throw the three females overboard.  
  
"LAND-HO!" screamed Lauren. And so it was. Yet another port. They were finally about to set foot on land. Never before had Jack needed any type of alcoholic drink. . .Well, there was that one time with the sailor and the black cat. . .But that's a whole different story entirely.  
  
"Finally," Jack sighed. "Will! Stop flirting with that doxie and tie us up to port! You three make yersevles useful and tie down the sails! NO! NOT THAT ROPE! THAT'S--"  
  
Before he could finish his statement, the five people aboard the small fishing boat found themselves in the salty seawater. The good Lord had seen it fit to bless our handsome captain with paitence, so rather than throw a big hissy-tantrum all over the dock, he merely climbed out of the water and swayed his way to the nearest bar. Will, after helping the girls out of the water, followed.  
  
"Well, what now, girls," asked Lauren. She watched Will leave with sad eyes.  
  
"Let's follow them!" suggested Marlena.  
  
"Yay!" Migonette shouted as she wrung the water out of her dress.  
  
The three girls quickly followed.  
  
S O M E M A N Y H O U R S L A T E R. . .  
  
"And that's me life story," slurred Will, wiping his teary eyes on his shirtsleeve. He was three sheets to the wind, and spilling his soul out to Lauren, a woman he barely knew, but still felt connected with her at any rate.  
  
"Oh, you poor dear," she crooned. In an act to comfort him, she pressed his head to her bosom and stroked his hair. Soft noises of comfort barely reached him. He looked up at her. Her dark hazel eyes glowed softly in the candle light. The dark hair that framed her face spilled down her shoulders and tickled his nose slightly. /Surely she must be an angel,/ he thought vaguely.  
  
"Something wrong, Will?" Her hand gently touched his cheek.  
  
"You're so. . .so. . .*hiccup*. . .there are no words. . ."  
  
The young lad was as drunk as he had ever been in his life, and this woman's nearness was intoxicating in itself. He suddenly got a wild hair.  
  
"Marry me, Lauren! We can be man and wife and sail the highseas with Jack! We'll have loads of kids and name them all after Jack!"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
T H E N E X T M O R N I N G. . .  
  
Will sat up in the strange bed. Something glittering on his left hand caught his attention. He looked down at it. There, on his ring finger, was a golden band that he had never seen before. Had he gotten so drunk last night that he had went out pillaging with Jack? Did this belong to someone rich? Where had it came from? And why was there a draft in here?  
  
Lauren, who had been laying next to him, sat up. Will's head jerked towards her. She smiled at him sleepily, and held up her left hand to reveal a matching band. Then she stretched. The young man's eyes went wide and his nose began to bleed. On instinct, he pushed himself backwards. This caused him to fall out of bed. In the process, he wacked his head on the bedside table and this sent the whole world spinning.  
  
"Oh, Will! Are you okay?!" Lauren rushed to his side.  
  
"Yeah, nothing I probably do not deserve." He closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his head. Maybe this was all a dream. Maybe it would all disappear. Maybe. . . "What happened last night?!"  
  
"We're married, Will! Oh, it was beautiful. I'll tell you all about it! Get dressed and we'll go find the others so that I can tell everyone at the same time!"  
  
This just wasn't going to go away. Well, there was two ways to look at this for Will. On the one hand, he was married to a beautiful young woman who he had really come to adore in the short time he had known her. Then on the other hand, what would Elizabeth say. . .?  
  
E N D O F C H A P T E R 4 


End file.
